I'm Just Me

Okay, I've realized I am not going to change for anyone, even if I wanted to. I am me, nothing more and nothing less. I am human. What exactly does that mean? It means I make mistakes, I am confused, I am irritated, I am a mess, a wreck holding onto anything and everything I can while I ride the roller-coaster of life. Oh? That's what you are too? Well I am nothing you want, trust me. Why? Because I am fucking complicated:

I get irritated when people 'enter' through the 'exit' door at supermarkets when I'm trying to get out, and even more irritated when people 'exit' through the 'enter' door when I'm trying to get in

I cannot, and will not, under any circumstance, drink out of a glass at any ones house unless it is rinsed under the sink

Sometimes I lie about where I am at, and what I am doing, merely to avoid people I don't like

I won't take a shower when its raining

I can go from loving someone to hating them in a matter of minutes, and stick to it

If I pull out in front of someone on the road, I feel the need to exceed 3RPM, and It pisses me off when they don't do the same

I smell everything I eat before I eat it, as a precaution to make sure i'm not being poisoned

I can't go anywhere without my cellphone

I am two-faced, and very nice to some people I honestly can't stand

I like new music, or whatever is popular, and I refuse to change that, I like what everyone else likes.

Im OCD, and it may be undiagnosed, but don't argue with me over it

I say i'm going to do a lot of things that frankly, I am NEVER going to do

I may act 110% into something someone is saying, but honestly I could care less

I change my mind very easily, and I won't let people know when I do so

I order Mcdonald's cheeseburgers with everything on it, and wipe it all off, rather than ordering it plain

If I don't answer the phone the second time, I am obviously ignoring you

I refuse to lick envelopes, I have no reason for it, but I refuse

If someone is going to AIM me, they better consolidate their thoughts in one message

sending

messages like

this pisses me off

I could continue, but there is only 24 hours in a day. I am me, and I will do as I want, when I want, how I want.

Unwed Woes

Let's cut to the chase, we're wasting time. Just run and never look back....I will take you by the hand, we will close our eyes, and take this leap. Apart, we are strong, but together, we are unstoppable.... Then just when everything starts to fall into place, we hit a roadblock.

I'm torn yet again between what I need to do, and what I want to do. At what point does one exceed the other, and take over completely?

So the one I have loved for so long, and shared so many memories with, could be a figment of my imagination in a matter of seventy-two hours, and I am not sure how to handle this. At some point though, I feel like I need to take a stand and do what is right in my mind. So many nights with a soaked pillow, so many nights with medication to ease the pain, so many nights sleepless in general, and now it all seems so distant. So what to do from this point forward?

Pick up the pieces and start over?

To wed, or not to wed. What to do when the resolution to all of your problems falls into your lap? What happens, more-so, when you have an entire plan set in place, a hope, a dream, a destination so distant from the one you have always wanted, and this very thing could disrupt every event in your life from this moment forward???

you sure as hell better pray you figure it out before Saturday.

A Key to the Soul

When you look at a person you probably first notice the clothes their wearing, the way they have their hair done, or the way they walk. It could be something as insignificant as the way they hold themselves as a person...

I notice eyes. Eyes are the key to a persons soul, some say. I hold that to be true. I can take one look into someones eyes, and something life-changing can happen. I don't normally go with my gut feeling, but when something so powerful can overtake me, consume me like a virus, something as simple as a glance, it's almost impossible not to.

Why try to force something that doesn't exist? What is reality anymore? These questions, I find myself asking day and day again, yet never discovering the solutions, the answers, the relief.

Its quite heart-wrenching how something can turn into nothing, so we as humans, as lovers, try to do the opposite, and turn nothing into something, just because it fits the genre and critique we have in our mindset. It's the equivalent of sticking the square peg in the round hole: no matter how much time and effort you put into it, no matter how many different ways you try to make it work, in the end, it just isn't.

When I look into your eyes, I see the love I have always wanted.
When I look into your eyes, I see the stability I have always needed.
When I look into your eyes, I see the life I have always dreamed of...

But when I stare into your eyes, deep into your heart, I see that everything thus far, has been created in my mind. In recent events, I feel as though my eyes cannot express my feelings, and my words and actions do no justice.

I may never understand why I don't mean everything to you, but simultaneously, I don't understand why he doesn't mean everything to me. It's only when you look me in the eyes, that I must face the truth.

"He's everything you want, he's everything you need, he's everything inside of you that you wish you could be...He says all the right things, at exactly the right time...but he means nothing to you
And you don't know why. You're waiting for someone, to put you together. You're waiting for someone to push you away....There's always another wound to discover, there's always something more you wish he'd say. But you'll just sit tight, and watch it unwind....It's only what you're asking for And you'll be just fine, with all of your time, it's only what you're waiting for..."

Food for Thought

To be realistic, I am a taco salad, and in knowing this full and well I have come to one conclusion:

I wish to be a cheeseburger.

What the hell am I talking about you ask? Well here goes nothing. When you have a taco salad, whether prepared by yourself at a comfortable homey-like setting or served to you in a bowl three times the size of your head in a loud, sweat-smelling Mexican restaurant, you get the same thing. A HUGE combination of ground beef, tomatoes, lettuce, onions, cheese, seasoning and anything else you can find close by to toss in for a great crunch, right?

So now that we're on the same page, you can agree that while a taco salad is enjoyable, it is complex and scrambled. Each piece of the puzzle is there to make the dish complete, but every time you take a bite, you never know what's going to be in it. Well my life is pretty much the same way right now. Everyday I wake up to the unknown, I know the tasks at hand for each day, but I never know in what order they will be completed, or the outcome the tasks will have. The only difference between my life and a taco salad in actuality is, when I finish a taco salad, I fill complete and full, and with my life, it always feels as though something is just missing.

Now a cheeseburger, on the other hand, is pretty self-explanatory. You have your delicious beefy-meaty-patty (unless you're eating at McDonalds, in which to my recent discovery, they just kinda throw whats left of a cow in a grinder and says "what the heck, it'll do") complimented by cheese, and lettuce and tomato and mayonnaise and ketchup and mustard and onions and pickles and okay you get the point, standard cheeseburger. Now the nifty part about a cheeseburger is that it is all structured and orderly. I mean, you have to fit all of that magical hope and wonder in between two buns of your choosing, and if it is all thrown together, it just won't work. Now it doesn't necessarily matter too heavily in which the order of ingredients fall onto these buns, just that it's all there.

That's how I see my life in perfection. I want to have everything structured so that when I get ready to take a bite out of life, I know exactly what I'm getting into. Now this may seem to be that I am a bland person who doesn't like to mix things up or have fun, which is not true to the maximum capacity. Before, I mentioned these ingredients can be re-arranged in a limitless number of combinations, and also, by adding and removing things a long the way each time I bite down on reality, I can create my own outcome.

Some people are taco salads, and some are cheeseburgers. I am so close to finishing the process of transferring from one to the other that I can taste it. If you think about it, taco salads and cheeseburgers contain many of the same ingredients. So I am aimlessly depicting my taco-salad-of-a-life and stacking it together in an orderly fashion to create my dream-of-a-cheeseburger-life. I am just looking for the buns to secure everything in place, and hold everything together while I get used to the stability.

In conclusion, I would like to be a cheeseburger.

What Is Love

I can't hold it back any longer, I must do whats best for me, and not what my heart keeps leading me into. Some say follow you heart, but what happens when all that does is lead you down a neverending road of heartache that spins your emotions in circles day after day.

It's becoming unbearable. Im torn at the seams, for my heart is saying stay, and mind is simply saying run away as fast as you can and don't look back. Maybe just maybe it won't hurt as bad that way. But in all actuality, will it hurt this time?

You make me feel ways I haven't in such a long time, it's almost pitiful. Seeing my phone go off, and your name scrolling across the top just might make my heart skip a beat. You are everything I have ever wanted, but have been too afraid to venture out and find. The fact that we have fallen in eachothers life by mere coinsidence, just when we both need it most, is fate.

You're everything inside of me that I wish I could be. You may possibly be the missing piece to my puzzle, and have the ability to not cover the hole of pain that I must open, but fill it, oh so perfectly. Words cannot begin to describe what you are in a person, because you are beyond what nouns, verbs, and adjectives can begin to piece together.

I'm ready to take a leap of faith, and start a journey, because I am finally realizing who is worth the ride.

Baby don't hurt me, no more.

Direction in Motion

The question at hand is, truthfully, what is direction? Is it the path which one desires to pursue from free will, or is it the path which ones mind forces itself to grasp in order to reach a destination?

The answer depends on the individual, and after nineteen years, I have finally come to the conclusion that direction for myself is not based on free will. I have so much drive, and ambition, bottled up like pressure beneath wine, waiting to be released, but too timid to take that leap. My mind has forced all complexity in my thoughts to compact and suppress. They are now diminished to mere, simplistic subjects and situations, so maybe not only others, but myself, as a growing individual, can understand easier.

Direction.

I have desperately been extending my hand, grasping for anything in sight with stability, reaching a destination of a safe zone to lurk in, until I can pull myself up on my own, and gather those suppressed, complex thoughts. Until I can understand. Far too long have I been the majority, and set a direction just to reach a goal, that is not mutually desired.

I have since realized that my days are numbered, and time doesn't stop for anyone. To reach my destination is not impossible, and so much time has been wasted thus far, that every breath, every moment, is crucial in the hourglass of life. The clock of opportunity ticks away with every path not traveled, and every option not explored.

Its time to set my direction in motion, and have the strength to do so.

I can do it alone, from free will, I just choose the direction not to.